Thursday, January 29, 2009
The loss of a dear friend...
I started these blogs with a promise to myself to be as honest about my thoughts and emotions as possible. This can be very difficult for me sometimes, but I'm doing my best.
A few months ago I lost a dear friend. It wasn't due to something that makes sense, like a long illness and death or even a sudden move to a different city. No, this friendship's ending was due to words, or the lack there of. Those closest to me knew her and were saddened for me when they heard the news, but I don't think very many know just how much it sincerely effected me.
It seems from the very beginning she and I talked about the friendship not lasting, either due to her need to push people away or for the habits people get in when they are around her. At one point she said that mostly people lose her as a friend because they eventually disappoint her, but in this case she corrected herself by saying that eventually she would probably be the one to disappoint me. And she did. That led to a series of events that unfortunately created a final, quiet, mutual fading away of communication and closeness that I had strangely come to rely on.
Being someone who myself is rather reserved when it comes to truly being open with others, that hurt a great deal. In the long run maybe we both disappointed each other, or were let down when the ideas we had of each other turned out to not be as accurate as we hoped. Frankly the sadness I've felt from that was a great challenge to come to terms with.
A few close friends said after the fact that they didn't ever really like her though never wanted to say so, which I guess makes sense. She admittedly is one of the hardest people to get to know, and again would be the first one to say that she isn't at her best when dealing with people's emotions, let alone her own. However, I was always pleased to be on her good side, of experiencing the sweetest, most sincere, giving, cooperative, and selfless parts of her. Most importantly, the rarity of being on the positive side of such a person was not lost on me. I valued her in my life greatly and shared not only my time with her, but my life, family, and friends as well.
And now, we don't talk. When it came to the distribution and returning of each others belongings our brief encounters have become that of strangers. I can't help but feel that the continually used phrase "you don't understand" is something she clings to like a security blanket, hoping no one ever will. The most naive parts of myself wonder why it has to be like this. Then, at my most angry and hurt moments, for the second time in a year, I want to tell someone who meant so much to me simply to fuck off and never talk to me again. Thankfully that is entirely out of character for me and in both instances this year I refrained.
This loss really was like a bitter break-up, with all the frustrating clichés present in abundance, and yet there was never a romantic encounter between us. Some have told me maybe that was the problem, or maybe it was something else. I will probably never know, and that weighs on me more than it should.
The final analysis comes down to the eventual question: Would you want to have things the way they were? Knowing what I know now, or what I probably already knew but was afraid to think about, I guess not. Still, this situation made a tough 2008 seem almost amusingly sad by year's end.
And now its a new year, and life goes on.