Tuesday, March 17, 2009
A Confession on Anger and Regrets
"Shake It Off", 2009
I'd like to believe that I'm a pretty level-headed guy. I have rarely ever spoken out of anger, am not easily drawn into an argument, and the only real instance of violence I am guilty of is the occasional spanking or hair pulling at the appropriate moment of intense intimacy.
Regrets are as human as cheating on your taxes, and though it is said often, I truly don't have a lot of regrets. I've always subscribed to the notion that all events in your life, positive or negative, makes you who you are, and frankly, I kind of like who I am. People can get so easily caught up in that cyclical pattern of loss and regret, but speaking as someone who has been there, nothing positive ever comes from it. Regrets make the past all too present, preventing you from truly healing and moving on.
That being said, I am guilty of making the terms "Forgive" and "Forget" mean two entirely different things. Forgetting is just something people in my family don't do. I can move on, live my life in a normal or possibly in a better way, after incidents of trial or sadness, which I suppose can be perceived as Forgiveness. However, I have a very difficult time not completely holding that past negative experience against someone I see as the transgressor later down the road. Not to say I would ever bring up an individual past transgression. As I have stated above I try not to let my emotions control what comes out of my mouth, even if that means I have to sit in silence for extended periods of time. Still, its there, in the back of my mind, eating away at the small bit of myself that wants to heal and be done with that chapter of my life.
Also, I am not denying that I get angry. Oh boy, do I ever! I have an intense, deep burning of unquenchable fire coursing through my veins, which peaks often at inopportune moments. The simple fact that I can control it and let the pressure slowly release instead of blowing up all at once is perhaps a testament to my fear of regret, my need to not have words out in space that can be thrown back at me at a later date.
Taking all of this into account, could I be handling past negative experiences better? Sure. Is getting angry and not being able to truly forget something truly the healthiest and most mature way of dealing with things? Of course not. Is it something I'm happy about or proud of? Surely not. But it is human.
Though I have tried my whole life to live as atypical to the standard male model so frequently portrayed in beer commercials and "Behind The Music" specials, I can't deny that I am as fallible and idiotic as many of my gender. I'm not perfect. I fuck up. But thankfully, I do better than most, and if there is some higher power out there judging us day-to-day, I think I'll end up with a decent review in their eyes. Something else I take deep solace in is that maybe four or five experiences in my entire life fall into these categories mentioned above, and all else, I find I can sincerely let slide.
Lastly, I'm starting to see a real pattern here in my blogs, a gentle overview on a topic, posing questions I already know the answers to, having no real point or final conclusion, and continued verbose ramblings on the natures of things. If it starts to be a bit much, I hope someone will please let me know.